1. |
Distractions
01:18
|
|||
I hate my TV it’s broken and old
There’s no remote so it won’t do as it’s told
The speakers buzz when the volume’s past 10
The default brightness is darker than hell
There’s a weird stripe at the top of the screen
That nullifies tension in dramatic scenes
Bojack could be about to kill himself
And that stripe is all I would see
I cannot live like this
Who gets by with no TV?
What else will stop me from wondering if tomorrow will be worse than today?
My TV doesn’t distract me enough
From constant fear of when push comes to shove
My TV should make my mind dissipate
But I don’t like it and now it’s too late
|
||||
2. |
Best Years Of My Life
02:52
|
|||
I don’t want to waste your time so I’ll get to the point
I'm a fucking mess and that's the opposite of what I want
I've spent the last ten minutes shuffling my feet from side to side
and nursing a can I finished long before I arrived
You ask, “Do you know my name?”
“We’re so glad you came”.
I, for one, don't feel the same
Do you know my name?
small talk’s not my strongest suit, it's a lot smaller than most
I've run out of things to say that won't be misconstrued as digs or boasts
I can’t hear a word you’ve said I wish we’d stayed back at the pub
I'm so embarrassed I want this sticky floor to open up
You dance until you're sore, I watch on close to the door
My dance has two moves I check my watch and scan the floor
Irish goodbye is a dream when you've got low self-esteem
I’d walk you home 500 miles if it gets me out of this grim scene
You ask, “Do you know my name?”
“We’re so glad you came”.
I, for one, don't feel the same
Do you know my name?
|
||||
3. |
||||
The bitter winter cold has really taken hold
I'm finding holes in all the clothes I wear
Not that it bothers me, my clothes are pretty cheap
It's a good reminder of how little I care
The sheer consistency of blissful apathy
Has left my bedroom in a state of shock
No time for bothering, no time for anything
The greatest challenge I might face is finding clean socks
Any chance of self-respect has died with any intellect
I had before I moved here, now my hygiene's shite
Instead of planning fake routines I should fuck off to bed
And just accept that I'm a worthless waste of space because my hygiene's shite
Living in my own dirt has left me too alert
There's nothing comes within two feet of me
By building walls between myself and living clean
I've managed to regress to the age of three
Responsibility's no more a possibility
I'd leave a task worse off than when I came
Sometimes try sleeping through the night and all the daytime too
But it's no substitute, it's not the same
Any chance of self-respect has died with any intellect
I had before I moved here, now my hygiene's shite
Instead of planning fake routines I should fuck off to bed
And just accept that I'm a worthless waste of space because my hygiene's shite
|
||||
4. |
||||
Another time, another place
Another day of feeling well off the pace
My rising pile of jobs to file
Has wiped the wary smile right off my fucking face
Just when I thought I had things sorted
I find it's not the case
In fact, I'm far from sorted
I'm back to square one and staring into space
I know it's rough
I know it makes me sick
I know it strains me to the point of urgency
And I hope it's gone
By the time I turn thirty
But cold, hard reality makes clear that's not to be
Love your work
Be content
So all your time is well spent
Do your job
Pay the rent
I'd say it's quite self-evident
How every time I think I'm sorted
I find it's not the case
Because when the job you love drains all of your energy
Your brain feels like cement
I know it's rough
I know it makes me sick
I know it strains me to the point of urgency
And I hope it's gone
By the time I turn thirty
But cold, hard reality makes clear that's not to be
And everything I do
Has got me crawling back to you
Because everything that I ever was
That I am and ever will be push me on because...
|
||||
5. |
I Dread The Morning
01:45
|
|||
It’s like a splinter in my foot and it’s digging in with every step I take in the right direction
What’s the point of moving on when it’s one step forward and two steps back
Maybe it’s not supposed to work like this
Maybe these two lifestyles cannot co-exist
Now the more I cling the more it hurts as it digs its way right through my bones but
Now it’s all I’ve got when the shift work ends
It’s not like I can visit my friends
I’m always late while they work hard in real-life days
Not that they’d want to see me anyway
And I know it’s me not you
Any friends I make get bored a lot quicker than they used to
But I’m not changing any faster
New year, new me, new and improved recipe for disaster
It’s not a splinter now it’s a gunshot and I’m pointing the barrel straight into my skull
For some reason, I’m so eager to show people how funny I’m not
And I’m not good, and I’m not right, and I dread the morning every single night
I used to sleep in because it felt great
Now I sleep in just to make sure that I spend less time awake
And thinking about all the things I hate
And contemplating never being late again by default by not being there at all
|
||||
6. |
Floodgates
02:42
|
|||
I don’t know what I was thinking
I don’t know what you’d been drinking
You were sending cryptic texts when I took the last train home
I spent that whole journey sweating
Remembering what I was forgetting
But my memory went blank and anxiety levelled up
And I hoped it was a one-time thing
But, weeks later, your lips were still drawn thin.
So I called you to find out what was wrong
And it was then that I saw that, to you, I was a chore
Between my family and you it was a game for keeping score
Well not any more
Had to make a quick decision
Gave my parents the wrong impression
Waited for you to arrive whilst trying to control my breath
Got in the car with your sister
Another journey like a slow-burn blister
Agonising on my own in the back seat
Scratching so I didn’t obsess
You talked like nothing was amiss
No signs you cared or knew I felt like shit
I thought you cared as much as I did
And then my anger surpassed all feelings I had
Asking myself again, counting slowly down from ten
Did you value or know I was feeling so low?
I don’t think so
Then we talked in your room for an hour or so
You made your points more clearly than before
My anger subsided and the fear came flooding back
I told you how I felt and the walls began to crack
Then I cried for the first time in almost seven years
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hold back the tears
For half an hour at least
|
||||
7. |
Phone Call
03:38
|
|||
Was on my sofa lighting matches to pass the time
Threw them in the sink to watch them burn and die
Took a breath, slapped my thighs and got up off my chair
Then sat back down remembering I had nowhere to go
And nowhere to be
Being unemployed then didn’t bother me
In my head it narrowed down the possibility of my fucking up another part of life
So I called my Mum in my mother-tongue
Got halfway through a sentence and forgot the word for happiness
Just one of the many things I felt slipping away
I hung up the phone
Decided I needed some more time alone
Like all the other hours in the day
That’s the closest I have been
To breaking off my teetotal tendencies
That I’ve stuck to for so long because I’m so sensible and so scared of what I would become
Am I angry?
Am I loyal?
Am I violent?
Am I joyful?
Am I happy?
I don’t know, maybe I should start srinking after all
Would it help me to forget I don’t belong where I once thought I’d found a place I knew and loved
The fact is, I will never be enough
I have learned from my mistakes but there’s only so many that I can make
If I wrote them all down, I’d have a PHD because my contributions in the field are quite unique
So now I browse the web and some TV shows
Desperately searching for a laugh that’s so intense it hurts in your abdomen
Because it’s so rare that you feel like that these days
And when that search fails, I retreat to bed to get my solid 5 hours of nothing more than cold sweats and freezing feet
At least the temperature is familiar along with dreich grey rain for half the year
I miss the blinding sun and the scene but I’m glad I’m here
In my basement with a garden that I wouldn’t hang a rag in, it’s a pity, you can see why people hate to love this city
So before that thought comes crashing into my 5 hours of nothing, I’ll return to contemplating if a drink would clear my mind
|
||||
8. |
Far Too Aware
01:52
|
|||
In my room, beside my bed, there's a full-length IKEA mirror
And every day when I wake up I make sure to avoid it like the plague
As the days turn into weeks into months and years from my past
In a time when I saw a little less self-loathing in that looking glass
I don't like who I was
I don't like who I am
What excuse will it be? Money, time or motivation?
Any way I put it off, I'll always end up angry with myself
I'm aware, far too aware, my proportions are all shifting
But even so, I always know, my commitments won't keep up with my health
|
||||
9. |
Minted
03:00
|
|||
In my daydreams I’ve got more money than sense
My few problems are all discussed in past tense
But I’m not in that show
Not even a cameo
I don’t know which way to go
Wasted hours on made up worlds, made up lives
Keep me useless and keep me up through the night
There’s no scenario that’s all smiles and rainbows
I don’t know which way to go
When student debts are in tow there’s a time-resistant lump in my throat
And even if I let go, other debts will serve as heavy burden cargo
In my head I feel safe
In the world I need savings
Eat food and get fat
Or eat less and afford a flat
There’s no scenario that’s all smiles and rainbows
I don’t know which way to go
|
||||
10. |
I Feel Terrible
02:02
|
|||
I feel terrible through no fault of my own
Though that’s not strictly true; it’s actually 100% my fault
Just like usual. Just like it always is.
Be it lack of sleep or drink, or self-control.
I feel miserable, though miserable’s too strong a word for my circumstance
I’m just a boy who’s a little bit sad sometimes
Like everyone who’s ever lived and had to work 5 days
Who’s trained themselves to smother down anxiety and rage
But that’s besides the point for now
I’m doing my best to put the smothered voices out for ears of those I barely know
And maybe telling those who know me as I am would be a step towards emotional growth
But that sounds like a lot of work
I feel calm today; things are as they should be
But here come mortgage debts and job insecurity and eviction notices
And sleepless nights and comfort eating and a back that can’t keep up
are rusty chains and buckled wheels and broken glass enough
To keep me pinned down to the floor?
No tapping out, just pure acceptance of the state my mind keeps forcing itself in
Two little voices in my head. One is my own. The other talks on my behalf
So I don’t talk much anymore.
|
||||
11. |
Double Rainbow
01:58
|
|||
On my way to work along the filthy green canal
I saw a double rainbow: God’s vain attempt to boost morale
As if refracted light would make my day less shite
I need more than a white bird with a stick to convince me that I’m doing alright
But I recognise the gesture from the big man up above
Isn’t saved for those who can already exercise self-love
Who am I to judge fanatics and admirers of the arc
Or the kids who stare in innocent amazement from the park?
My day turned out fine
I guess I should be glad
But my brain has other plans and my cynicism makes me sad
I apologise for every time I stain cheery discourse
I’m still working on my downer habits pointing out small flaws
If I’m being a dick and need to be taken down a peg
I’m quite happy for you to tell me straight
Slap my face
Talk me round or slam the door
|
||||
12. |
Sisyphus
03:37
|
|||
Now thinking back, I’m feeling sick
Because uncertainty is worse than realistic truth
It’s not fun living with guilt for things you’re not even sure you did or will do
When your account’s four digits deep
I think it’s clear as night and day why sleep escapes me still
And the account is in my name
Because it’s mine, and it’s my fault, and that thought makes me ill
I’m like Sisyphus on the hill
And I can feel it going
I feel I’m out of my mind
Why should I keep it running?
I feel I’m running out of time
All I can think about is
Thinking of how to make it end
How best to bend the truth without it driving me around the bend
It’s 3AM, you’re fast asleep
But my descent into unease is already too steep
Is this the week to pay the rent?
Did the bills come out? If so, I’m spent
I’m still four digits deep
I wonder what the future brings?
I hope it’s not another day where I can’t move my limbs
Without the pain shooting up my back
In frequent spasms like one hundred systematic bee stings
I blame my twenty-year-old mattress springs
|
||||
13. |
Wendigo
03:57
|
|||
There’s a burning in the leaves
Making torches out of trees
Like the ones I hold and lead me to the places I’ll never go
But I’ll settle where I am
I’m sat down on that riverbank
Come sit a while and share our arms until the first of the snows
It won’t be long until everything is gone
I hope and pray for the ‘fade away’
Nights are darker than before
Blown out windows, boarded doors
There’s a house up in the back woods that they used to call a home
Black foot on whiter ground
A crippling, screaming, silent sound
In the distance between all you’ve been and all you’ve ever known
If I could make this last a little longer
By spending all night on the corner
I’d grit and freeze, I’d face down the winter
What’s the point of being warm if you were never burned alive?
|
||||
14. |
RollerCoaster Tycoon 2
00:32
|
|||
I can't leave my flat so I've got to think of other things to do
So I revert to my 8-year-old self and play RollerCoaster Tycoon 2
Flouting safety codes and drowning customers who disapprove
Keeping up appearances by cleaning up when someone pukes
But soon my profits hit an all time low
And I'm struggling to stay afloat
Almost as much as Michael who didn't like my custom-built log flume
Playing RollerCoaster Tycoon 2
(Michael's a dick, he only went on 3 rides)
|
||||
15. |
||||
My place of work is only 5 miles away
But still it takes be half an hour every day
And that's not including time it takes to get changed
Out of sopping clothes from cycling through heat or through rain
My bike got nicked 2 months into the job
so now I ride my girlfriend's bike and it's pretty small
Getting to work is downhill for the most part
But getting back's a nightmare when your wheel-size is halved
Freddie Mercury said "I love to ride my bike"
I bet he never took the tunnel that goes under the Clyde
If I were rich, I'd take the bus all the time
But while I’m in this situation I'll get out there and ride
|
||||
16. |
Sleep Routines
02:52
|
|||
I don’t think that I should go outside
Because Atlantic winds would cut me open wide
And my chapped, bare hands won’t hold their own
And the winter blues are overgrown
I’m a man of late nights and late cards
Not of broken homes or tearing friends apart
But the back and forth in sleep routines
Makes me someone I don’t want to be
I need to exercise restraint
Not dwell on every petulant complaint
And you wont remind me that I’m not my dad
I kind of wish you never had
I don’t think that I should go to sleep
I don’t think about the company I keep
It’s a wasted horizontal void
That I could be spending with screens and toys
Drop the laissez-faire pretence
Try reading, try taking in some common sense
You would assume I want to stay inside
That mother nature’s not my type
But if you take the time to take into account the pros and cons
You’ll notice I’m not there for very long
And indecision is a bore
I don’t think that I should go outside tonight alone
I like it here at home
|
||||
17. |
The Right Moment
03:05
|
|||
I’ve been sitting here waiting for the right moment to come along
And I’ve been wanting to call you, but the words would come out wrong
I’ve been thinking for some time that a cry for help would do me some good
But I just sit on my hands and keep my mouth glued tightly shut
Can you read my mind?
The only situation that involves no compromise is that someone somewhere close to me can read my mind to push past my inability to open up and share
If my girlfriend still can’t tell whether I’m joking or I’m scared, I doubt the silent treatment will help me to repair my chronic lack of self-belief that’s leading me nowhere and leaves me unprepared
I don’t think I’ll be ready when the moment comes; I’m all choked up
Or maybe there is no moment. Maybe it’s passed. I should’ve spoken up
I can’t help but think I’m balanced on the brink of swimming down to sink
I’ve been sitting here waiting and the right moment has come and gone
I talked a lot and said nothing, didn’t mention what was wrong
Who knows? Maybe next time I’ll talk so much I’ll let it slip out
Or more likely I’ll be silently hoping you can read my mind
Doubting you can read my mind
Hoping you can read my mind
|
||||
18. |
Vegetative State
01:29
|
|||
I pissed my pants, I shat the bed and no-one fucking cares
I’m stiff and sore from head to foot, can’t breathe the stinking air
Every clock tick hits my ears like a hammer to the skull
The extractor fan keeps wailing until all my senses dull
I’m in a vegetative state
But I feel fine
I’m quite content here on my own, the boredom’s fucked my speech
And if it gets excessive, I’ll just down a pint of bleach
Doesn’t matter when I die, just matters if I leave a mess
Because isolation killed off all emotions I’d repress
|
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